I haven’t posted in SOOO long. After a while I’ll think oh I need to post, and then I procrastinate and then it gets to the point where I’m like well, it’s been so long what’s another day. But here I sit at my computer on a Monday. A LOT has happened since I last posted. For starters I’ll say that I HAD A FUCKING YEAR CLEAN ON THE 5TH!!!!!! Holy shit….I also broke up with my boyfriend on new years eve. I decided that I really need to focus on myself and my own needs. Have some time where it’s just me and I’ve been learning to rely on my higher power and other women in the program to support me. I’ve also been learning to dream. I can actually see my life in 5-10 years. I have been a part of a coalition that’s goal is to reduce youth substance abuse in our community. We have a DFC grant under CADCA (if anybody knows what that is). My coalition send me to a big conference in Washington D.C. back in February. It literally changed my life. I met some amazing amazing people. I tried not to think about my fear of everything and I pushed through my anxiety. That week was full of new people and really stepping out of myself. I now can see myself going to college soon. Also….my sister asked me to babysit and I did. This is huge. She could’ve asked my mom, but she trusts me enough. AND the whole time I was there and stuff, I never felt uncomfortable. I never felt like “what do I do with my hands!” We talked and played with the kids and It felt normal.

This shit is HUGE. What the fuck! What?!?! This is my life?!?! I ACTUALLY have a year clean. I believe in myself. I even LIKE myself.This has been the last 6 months in a nut shell. It’s been amazing.

Love + Care,

-Em

SHIne

Posted: November 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

A couple months ago I was invited to attend a sort of small community meeting. We had to finally talk and do something about all of the suicides and deaths happening around us. There are two other youth besides me that attend this meeting. After two months of meeting we decided to start a task force. It’s call SHIne (Suicide Hope Initiative). After the meeting on Friday I just felt like I really needed to check in with one of the girls and see how she was doing. She broke down and told me that she had attempted suicide two weeks ago and hadn’t been in school since before that. She went to the hospital. I broke down too and just held her. This is so fucking hard. Who really wants to encounter on a daily basis, kids dealing with suicide and suicidal thoughts?!?! I surely don’t! But i’m not going to let the pain and fear of taking action keep me from doing it! I will fight for these kids! But damn does my heart hurt so bad. God, please help me.

Sweetest thing

Posted: November 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

I was sitting in a meeting on Friday and I just cried. The sweet old man sitting next to me handed me his handkerchief.

This is the simplest and sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. This is what we as humans are supposed to do. This old man has taught me that we treat each other with love. When someone is hurting, it doesn’t matter what we say to them, as long as we say it with love.

My heart hurts

Posted: October 15, 2013 in Uncategorized

One of the first NA meetings I went to there was 1 young person. (I live in a small town) he’s 22. After the meeting he came up to me and gave me his number. He said that he knew how hard it is to get clean without people your age and to call him whenever and we’d hang out. He didn’t have much clean time but it didn’t matter. He took me to meetings in the big city of Seattle. He was the only young person i hung out with. He kept me clean, and he gave me hope. After about 2 months or so he went back out.

2 weeks ago he committed suicide. My heart hurts so bad. He means so much to me. He was the first clean guy i slept with. It’s so weird. He’s just gone. I don’t wanna get out of bed. I almost quit my job yesterday. Luckily i don’t have to work till saturday.

My heart just hurts so bad. I don’t know what to do with myself. I wanted to use so bad this weekend. I just got my 6 months too. God this is just so fucked up.

I miss you Travis and I love you…but god damnit fuck you for leaving us.

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Mental Breakdowns

Posted: September 22, 2013 in Addiction
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I’ve been on the verge of tears for the past 3 weeks. I listened to a lady speak tonight at a meeting and then went up to her to thank her. I started bawling. I have no idea why was crying but I couldn’t stop. I got home tonight and pulled out my basic text.

I read on page 283 the title is regardless of age. It says “The first and NA member I ever spoke to was the same age as my mother. I have been cleaned since the summer after my freshman year of high school. I’d been using drugs for just a few months. Those were the worst months of my life. In that short amount of time I had been placed in police custody, expelled from high school, and forced by parents to check into a rehab. I knew I had a problem and I knew I needed help.”

I didn’t use for very long but when I did shit got bad. I got suspended from school twice, I got arrested twice, and I went to Juvie. I’ve always struggled with the thought that I haven’t used enough….that I haven’t done enough drugs. This reading reminded me that your bottom is when you stop digging. It doesn’t matter what drugs you used, how much, how little, how often….the only requirement is the desire to stop. This reading also reminded me that I have something valuable to share. That when I am feeling like, the only way to get it out is to share it in meetings and let it go. I haven’t been sharing in meetings about how shitty I feel and how often I feel it and how frustrating it is that I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. It’s important to talk about those things. I know that if I don’t talk about it, most likely, I will use. So I’m going to get my butt to meeting tomorrow and I’m going to talk about it.

Been off cigarettes for a week. Finally went to a meeting today after a couple days. Jesus christ i wanna kill everything. It brings me back to when i first came into the program and just trying to string a couple days together. I haven’t called my sponsor in a while but i did see her today. I think i need to do 90 meetings in 90 days again. It’s what everyone suggests you do in the beginning but with cigarettes it starts all over. It’s the mental obsession that is driving me insane! I just have to make it till tomorrow. Just for today.

So much different

Posted: September 8, 2013 in Relationships
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When I think about previous boyfriends I think about how I lusted over them. I took them hostage. It was so unhealthy and a complete emotional roller coaster. I remember feeling like I was always trying to do something to make them stay with me. I always had to work for their affection. I didn’t know what I was missing out on.

Being with someone I truly feel 100% myself with, is something I can’t describe. I finally feel like I don’t have to do anything for him to love me. He loves me just the way I am. We have SO much fun too 😀 and we can go from completely serious, to just plain goofy. I don’t lay in bed at night crying because I miss him and need him….I go to bed having just said gnight to him and fantasizing about our life together in the future. He’s actually my best friend, and I’m not afraid to show him the broken parts of me. He just makes me truly happy. I think this is what love is supposed to feel like.